Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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