finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
