even my farts smell like vagina
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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