the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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