yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
