I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
