Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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