dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
