My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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