the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
