my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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