I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
