Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
