I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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