We're facebook friends in real life
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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