you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
