Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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