when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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