Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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