you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have so many feelings about this burrito
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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