Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
