My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
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Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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