this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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