I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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