Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
