I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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