i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
