On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
