I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
