Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
