hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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