apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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