if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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