I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
