My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
