Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
