Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Will exercising make me less horny?
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