Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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