I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You can't special order awesome
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
