so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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