Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
