I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
