I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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