I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
