did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
