this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
