Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
