i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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