She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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