At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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