im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
