Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
