I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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